GamerCreated.com

The Story of How James McCloud Busts onto the Scene, Gets Soused before Blasting the Crap out of the Lylat System, is Betrayed by some Fool Pig, Dies while Stomping Andross all over the Planet, and Goes to Bullet Hell (to live happily ever after)

Prologue:SFX Lambda VR

Some time before the events of Star Fox 64, the generally incompetent aerospace engineers of the planet Corneria actually did something right.  This miracle took the form of the Arwing Space Superiority Fighter, a ship so colossally awesome and potent that none of the wussy Cornerian Defense Force test pilots would agree to fly it.  Fox McCloud having graduated from the Cornerian Military academy the previous year (well, he actually just took a diploma and blasted off two weeks into his first year after shooting down all his flight instructors in a single mock engagement), there was no one left on the planet with the balls to take the reins of this freakishly powerful horse.  

Reluctantly, CDF procurement officer Ensign Pepper sent a long distance fax to the newly launched Great Fox, which was testing its weaponry by vaporizing the less attractive moons of Titania, explaining that nobody on the whole damned planet had the cajones to fly this beast, and begging for James McCloud, the greatest and most shockingly good looking pilot the universe had ever known, to come help them work out the kinks in the system.  After accepting extravagant payment and tax kickbacks and insulting the Ensign’s ridiculous dress uniform, James traveled to corneria by way of the Sargasso sector, where he beat up two barfulls of space pirates without spilling his booze.  For his valorous text messaging and almost not crying when McCloud questioned his manhood, Pepper was Promoted to Lieutenant.

Ariving 6-8 weeks late and obviously hung over, James strode irritably onto the research base airfield, knocking out the security guards who tried to stop him (with a withering stare).  Cramming the proffered instruction manual into the missile tube, James sent the engineers, mechanics, and Four Star Generals scampering for cover with a loud noise and slid into the *****pit like a suggestive metaphore.  Promptly lifting off, he performed a maneuver so jaw-droppingly amazing that his fighter escorts collided with each other, atomized the Cornerian Congressional Chambers with a Nova Bomb, and crashed the starfighter spectacularly, lighting up the City Botanical Gardens and a couple stripmalls he didn’t like in a tremendous fireball.  Climbing out of the wreckage with a beaming smile, he declared the Arwing a complete success and immediately ordered three.

Sadly, the proof-of-concept he had just immolated was the only functional prototype, so he had to wait around for a week until the next one was ready.  In the interim, he spent his free time ruining the CDF pilots’ confidence in their “ultra realistic” Arwing Virtual Reality Simulator, a game James swore he had played on Virtual Boy.  Not that he had ever owned a Virtual Boy.  No way.

Chapter 1:Corneria

Having grown weary of the lack of challenge offered by Corneria’s best pilots and most ludicrously ill-conceived stage-end boss, James made his restlessness known by discharging his sidearm into the simulator *****pit.  Midway through his 4th clip, CDF chief intelligence officer Lieutenant Pepper mustered up the courage to inform him that top secret reports had indicated suspicious activities on the planet Venom.  James confirmed these reports when he glanced out the window and saw the Venomian vanguard laying waste to Corneria City.  For a while, he just chuckled at the sight of hundreds of CDF pilots crapping their pants in unison, but then he saw something that made his expression turn icy cold--enemy fighters were attacking the Cornerian Aerospace history Museum!  

“If they scratch my statue,” McCloud declared, “it’s all over.”

Grabbing a bottle of Bourbon for the long fight ahead, James ran through a couple walls and climbed into the seat of the still-incomplete replacement Arwing, glancing over the controls.

“No bombs,” he commented evenly, “that really pisses me off.  And hey...these *****pit readouts are just stickers!”  Spouting a torrent of tremendously entertaining curses, James McCloud launched his fighter.  For going above and beyond the call of duty by not letting the men see the enormous, reeking load he’d dropped in his shorts, Pepper was promoted to Lieutenant Commander.

Chapter 2:Orbital Fleet Engagement

With a thundering crunch, the battered husk of the Venomian Attack Carrier dropped into Crystal Lake National Park, polluting its waters with petrochemicals, radioactive waste, and eleven boxes of military surplus fuzzy dice, rendering the fragile aquatic ecosystem unable to sustain life for a thousand years.

“Looks like my work here is done.” James boasted into his comlink, “Hey Peppy, where’s the closest bordello from my present location?”

“No time for that, James, the attack is on up here and we need you!...The enemy’s coming from behind!”  Peppy Hare, the Starfox team’s tolken senior, really bugged James sometimes.  

“The CDF’s orbital fleet has come under heavy fire from Andross’ new battleships,” the hare continued, “but you should be able to hit ‘em hard if you pull straight up now!...Use bombs wisely!”

“Look, Peppy, I don’t have any bombs, we haven’t even gotten payed yet, and anyway I run this opperation, not some puny orbital fleet, and not some crusty bunny”.

“I bet you’re scared;” the rodent challenged, “I bet you don’t think you can take them.  That’s just fine, you should know your limits.  Little Jimmy wanna hide while the big ships go boom?  Hehe, I bet you wouldn’t last 2 minutes...Use the boost to get through!”

This bothered James McCloud.  The only time he had ever lost a wager, it was to Peppy when James, in an already near-blotto state, bet him that he could drink anyone on the ship under the table, and the damned hare picked the robot.  And even then James almost won.  Still, things hadn’t been the same since that fatefull Christmas morning, and now it was time to settle the score.

“Foxes eat rabbits.”  McCloud commented offhandedly, throttling his Arwing up through the atmosphere.

“Do a barrel-roll!”

Chapter 3: Katina

Having been thoroughly clobbered on and above Corneria (and clearly not knowing when to quit), the mysterious Venomian fleet responded by launching massive simultaneous planetary strikes on Cornerian forces abroad throughout the Lylat system.  Lieutenant Commander Pepper, the CDF’s newly appointed chief communications specialist and liaison to the Starfox team, requested an immediate conference call with the Great Fox and all manned Cornerian outposts. 

Unfortunately, the only allied institution that responded was the Katina base, a nigh-impenetrable pyramid fortress on the outskirts of Katina’s largest city.  Even more unfortunately, the call wakened James McCloud from a particularly pleasant nap, his victorious Arwing floating around peacefully amongst the wreckage of the Venomian strike fleet.  Most unfortunately of all, however, was the revelation that the Katina base had already in fact fallen into enemy hands, its commander having been duped into opening the gate by a force of Venomian marines dressed in drag as the Rockettes for the base’s USO show.  Cadet Bill Grey, reporting from a wireless comm set in the base’s broom closet, explained that he had suspected trouble when, firstly, the chorus girls arrived in a Venomian attack carrier, and secondly, there was no USO show at the base and there never had been. 

“This is the worst army in the universe,” James summarized, “and who builds their fortress in a major metropolitan area?  And the enemy?  They’re barely any better!  I’m looking at the tactical readouts and it’s like they’re just asking for me to cream them--like the whole world is conspiring to provide me with a corridor of puny foes to blast through leading up to another inevitable boss confrontation set-piece.  Makes you think, huh?”

This drew mostly blank stares and radio silence as some of the more intelligent secondary characters tried to avoid thinking about the crushing weight of just how much they sucked.  Pepper mumbled something intentionally incomprehensible, while ROB 64 experienced an overflow error and shut himself down.  Seizing the opportunity to make something up just for the hell of it, James broke the silence.

“At any rate, I’m doubling my fee for this and all subsequent missions on account of your breaching the sleep abridgment clause in my contract.  And now we’ll be off to liberate this crappy planet of yours.  Move out, Starfox.”

For maintaining good back posture as he completely caved in to all of McCloud’s increasingly embarrassing and expensive demands, Pepper was promoted to Captain.